HaRrY pOtTeR
by orchids-with-lilies
Summary: So, what happens when someone who knows next to nothing about Harry Potter tries to rewrite it? Chaos, probably. And lots of angry people. (user used to be orchidlove123) Complete. Birthday gift for Dorothy.
1. HaRrY pOtTeR and the Sorcerer's Rock

**Hellooo friends and Dorothy, and welcome to my very first Harry Potter fanfiction! So, here's the deal:**

 **This is going to be something purely for fun! I am "re-writing" the 1** **st** ** & 8th HP films as I remember/think of them. 'Tis a birthday present to my Lovely Friend Dorothy, so my dear, I hope you enjoy it! You will either end up crying or laughing or screaming. Good luck, and please don't kill me later. Haaaappy birthday!**

 **I have never read the books. I watched the films once over two years ago. So, everything in this is going to be from my memory of that time. I'll admit that I had to read the summaries for the films, but that's all. By the end, I'll probably have a mob of angry HP fans chasing me afterwards. Chaos.**

 **For the record, I don't hate this series, and I think it really is a wonderful! thing that I look forward to getting into at some point in my life, just not yet.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any other referenced thingies in this.**

 **Reviews are welcome! Critical ones, too!**

 **Let's go!**

 _HaRrY pOtTeR and the Sorcerer's Rock_

Tiny, dazzling snowflakes drifted down from the grey clouds above and into the even grey-er city of somewhere in England, blanketing the ground with a white sheet. People walked silently in the streets, nothing but black silhouettes puffing frosty breath under the yellow street lamp lights.

Harry sat in his bed, bundled up in an itchy flannel blanket, reading a book he had read many times over by the dim light of a candle. Gee whiz, or was it a lamp? Or just an early 1990s lightbulb hanging from a metal chain? I forget. Anyways, this is what he was doing.

"Harry! Get out of your room and get in the kitchen, now! My tea is boiling!" a gruff voice called from another room, breaking Harry out of a trance. Sighing, the freshly ten-year-old boy rose out of his small bed and emerged from his room, which, if I remember correctly, was under a set of wooden stairs. Dang, this kid's got it bad.

"Hurry up, boy! All of my tea will evaporate if you don't get in here quick!" the voice came again, this time much more agitated.

"Coming, sir!" Harry shouted back, as politely as possible. He stumbled into the kitchen, his bare feet freezing on the bare tile. Uncle Vermon sat comfortably in his rocking chair, puffing a cigar and reading the newspaper. His wife, who's dang name I can't remember except for the fact that it was some random-ass flower, sat next to him in her favorite chair, casually knitting a scarf that was probably for their son Dudley. Geez, at least I remembered his name.

"Nevermind, worm. Dudley, being the excellent child he is, already got the tea for me. Go and stuff yourself back into your hole so I don't have to see your face," Uncle Vermon muttered, not even lifting his eyes to meet Harry's. Relieved, Harry scurried away quietly back into his room, into the safety of his book and blanket.

A couple of hours passed by, and before long, all of the Durgley family was asleep, leaving Harry alone with his book. Since I can't remember how on earth Hagrid came into the scene, I'm just going to imagine it went like this.

 _Boy, am I hungry,_ Harry thought to himself, expecting his stomach to growl. _Probably because I live in an abusive family who doesn't take care of me, let alone feed me. Why haven't I run away again? Oh yeah, because the plot needs me here._

As quietly as possible, Harry creaked open the door to his room and slipped out, tiptoeing across the floor and into the kitchen where he found the cookie jar. Oh wait, sorry, _biscuit_ jar. Darn british words.

"Hey, kid, come over here," a gruff voice whispered from behind a curtain, causing Harry to drop the biscuit in his hand and whirl around. An immense, dark shape was leaning against the back door, looking quite menacing.

"S-Santa Claus…?" Harry squeaked, taking a hesitant step forward.

"No, kid. What, you still believe in that guy? Trust me, I'm better than him," the shape grumbled, taking a step forward. Harry drew in a sharp gasp. "I'm the guy who's supposed to kidnap you, get you some animal for a pet, and take you to this school called Hogwarts."

"Really? You mean I can finally leave this place?" Harry wondered aloud, a smile growing on his face.

"Of course! Funny though, you would've thought your adoptive parents would've told you never to trust strangers. But hey, hop in my white van, and let's go find an animal!"

 _-however many hours later—_

"You just… want me to run into this brick wall? Like some idiot?"

"Yeah," the giant shrugged his shoulders. Harry had learned that his name was Hagrid, and that he was indeed NOT Santa Claus.

"Won't I get hurt?"

"No."

"You're… you're not gonna tell me why I need to do this? I just… you're just telling me to go, run head on, into a brick wall? Where I'll probably get a concussion and have to go to a hospital, where people will find my records, send me back to my abusive family, and arrest you for kidnapping? No doubt people have already sent out an Amber Alert," Harry pointed out, nervously clutching the iron bar of his shopping cart. His new pet hawk tweeted nervously.

"For goodness's sake, kid, just do as I say!" Hagrid groaned, shoving Harry forward. With a shout of terror, Harry lurched forward, cart-first into the wall. He screwed his eyes shut, but after a moment of no sudden pain, the boy opened his eyes. He was shocked to find himself in a very busy train station labeled "Station 8 ½" where there were kids with shopping carts like him all around. Before he could say anything, Hagrid mysteriously appeared behind him, and shoved him on the train that was about to leave.

"Good luck, Harry!" the friendly giant cheered as the train began to leave with Harry on it, "I really hope nothing bad happens to you! Like anything! I mean, I hope you don't have to carry a magic ring to a mountain, or go through a random wardrobe and talk to a goat man, or I mean idk this one's a little out there, but I hope you don't have to fight some guy without a nose who needs to tan a bit in order to save the world! But no worries! Have fun!"

Harry waved back at Hagrid, unable to hear what the giant was saying. He shrugged his shoulders and went to find a seat. Luckily for him, there was an open one right near the front.

After a few minutes of sitting by himself like a loner, save for his new pet hawk, a girl with an afro and a ginger boy came and sat by him.

"Good to meet you! My name is Ronald Weasley!" the boy smiled, holding a rat in one hand and shaking Harry's hand with the other.

"And I'm Hermione Granger, the know-it-all who's going to kick your ass in all of our tests," the girl greeted, taking a seat next to Ronald.

"I… I'm Harry. Harry Potter."

 _-even later because I don't know what happens in between here-_

"Welcome, children, welcome! Welcome to Hogwarts!" an old man cheered, causing an uproar from the endless tables of kids.

"Is that Gandalf?!" Ron whispered, staring up at the bearded man.

"NO! That's Professor DUMBLEDORE!" Hermione screeched.

"Well they're the same person anyways…" Ron muttered, too low for his future girlfriend to hear. Harry sighed.

Gandalf continued speaking. "And may I introduce to you… Professor McDonald!"

"Oh dang!" Harry whispered, "that's Lady Violet Crawley from Downton Abbey!"

"Yeah, she's like the female Morgan Freeman!" Ron mentioned excitedly as both of the boys stared up at the old woman.

"Welcome to our lovely school. I promise this is a safe place where none of you could ever get hurt. None! No dark lords, no nightmares, nothing evil could ever come your way here. That's for sure," Professor McDonald assured, his thin voice powerful and slightly scary.

"And now, for your houses!" Dumbledore shouted, pulling out an old hat that probably smelled really bad. Suddenly, the hat started talking, nearly causing Harry to scream.

"I hope we get in the same house," Ron whispered to Harry and Hermione.

Hermione nodded her head. "We probably will. The plot wouldn't work well if we didn't."

"Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter! Also that odd kid named Neville that no one knows until like, the last film! You've all been sorted into Gryffindor!" Dumbledore smiled, causing the kids to go into an uproar.

"What's Gryffindor like?" Neville asked quietly, nearly ignored.

"It's like the Thunderclan of the HP world, ya know? So instead of a bunch of Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu cats being together, it's Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu kids with wands being together," some random kid said from somewhere.

"Sounds good to me," Ron stated. Harry nodded his head in agreement.

 _-later, again—_

"Be MY friend, or have NO friends," the annoying little blonde kid threatened Harry, raising a tiny fist.

"I already have friends," Harry said back sternly, "plus, if we became good friends, a bunch of people would start to ship us gay together. But I mean, people already do that even though were enemies, so I guess it doesn't matter."

And so the stick blond kid with his gang moved off, continuing to bully Harry Potter and his friends all the way until they graduate.

 _-eeeven later—_

"It's you, Snape! You're evil! You're trying to use that special rock to do something bad!" Harmonica yelled, her afro hair getting swept up in the wind.

"Noooooo, it's not meeee…" Snape said in a deep voice, being creepy as usual.

"He's right! It's not him, it's me!" a random guy shouted from somewhere near a fire place, causing the three children to turn around. Some man with a turban was sitting in a couch, but his turban fell off, revealing a horrid-looking noseless face in the back of his bald head.

"Oh no! It's Dude-Who-Probably-Shouldn't-Be-Named!" Ron screamed, pointing with a trembling finger at the squirming face.

"Don't worryyyy, I'll take careeeee of it…." Snape assured, waving his wand in the air and then pointing it at the ugly face. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

And just like that, the face was gone.

"Wow! That was great. Too bad I have to go back to my abusive family this summer," Harry sighed, "though you would think that like, I dunno, I could just tell Gandalf or Maggie Smith about the life I'm living, and they could just send me off to live with Ron or something. Sure would save me a loooot of trouble."


	2. HaRrY pOtTeR and the Delightful Hallows

**Take a seat Dorothy (and others), 'cus hereeee we go!**

 _HaRrY pOtTeR and the Delightful Hallows, Part 2_

A frigid wind tickled the back of Harry's neck as he knelt over the small mound of pebbles, insignificant to anyone who would've walked by but him. His bones creaked as he swayed in the slightest, achy from having stayed in the same position all night.

"Harry," a soft voice came from behind him, "it's time to go."

Harry still didn't move. He wanted to kneel there forever, unmoving, his eyes too dry for tears to shed onto the cold pebbles.

"We need to find Griphook!" Ron shouted from a distance. He was right, but Harry still wanted to stay frozen.

"Com'on, Harry. We have a duty," Hermione's sympathetic voice stressed, and he felt her strong grip on his shoulder. "He would've wanted you to push forward."

"You're right," he murmured after a few moments of silence, breaking his gaze from the new grave, "we do. Dolly would've wanted us to continue."

 _-later—_

"So, now that we got this hologram, where's the next one Harry?" Ron piped up, holding the… the what now? Was it like a goblet or something? A cup? Or am I way off, and it was a sword? Screw it. It's a cup now.

"I… don't know. Let me do that quick mind thing. Like what Frodo does whenever he touches the ring or somethin'." Squeezing his eyes shut, Daniel focused really hard, really really hard, until some images appeared in his mind. He couldn't tell what they were, except he managed to pick up a few hints.

"Well? Anything?" Hermione urged, looking up at him with hope.

He nodded his head. "It's in Hogwarts. And, somehow, it's related to Ravenclaw."

"How do you know that? And we can't get it in there anymore, either," Ron added, shaking his read hair.

Harmonica scoffed. "He just knows, Ronald. Geez. He's the kid who lived, so just trust him," she glared at the boy, but then turned back to Harry. "He's right, though. How are we supposed to get in there?"

"Ah, don't worry guys. We can just sneak in, like you would a normal highschool or whatever. It's not like there's a chance of magical traps or anything."

 _-one magical trap later—_

"Oh crap! The Deathbeaters! They're everywhere!" Ron shrieked, frantically pointing his wand in different directions. Hermione screamed as one dark clothed ghoul came too close for comfort, nearly reaching her neck.

"Doooon't worry! Albus' brother is here to save the day!" came a sudden shout, and the trio whirled around to see another guy.

"Who's brother?" Ron squeaked, and Harry repeated his question.

"Dumbledore's brother!" Hermione hissed, running towards the man.

"Who now…?" Ron whispered to Harry, still looking confused.

"Gandalf's."

"Oh."

The two boys took off, following Hermione, who was following that guy into some secret tunnel or whatever. Suddenly, an attractive guy with dark hair appeared, seemingly their age, and also waving a wand around and shooting out magic beams. Shocked, Harry recognized Neville, that kid no one cared about until this film. _Dang, that guy probably had the best glow up of all of us,_ Harry grunted inwardly, but he disregarded the fact and ran further down the tunnels.

Soon, the group of them arrived in the school, unharmed by Deathbeaters. The school, however, was seemingly much less lively and comforting than it had been the last time they were there.

"Headmaster Snake's really made the place like a dull dungeon," Gandalf's brother mentioned, as though reading Harry's thoughts.

"Snake?" Hermione pointed out. "I know that the author doesn't know crap about this franchise, but for crying out loud, everybody knows Snape's name."

"Eh… Snake, Snape. Same thing. Snape's a snake anyways."

"Actually, Voldy's hologram is," Harry chirped, entering in the conversation.

Somehow, the five of them made it to the large eating room, where that talking letter from Ron's mom yelled once, and Harry started yelling at Snake in front of all the kids. Hermione and Ron stood beside him, backing up his every word.

"Oooooh goooosh, the kids are riiiiight," the creepy man cried from his place at the podium, "it reeeeeally is a shaaaaameful thing I did to Gandalf, gods bless hiiiim..."

"Good job, Harry!" Lady Crowley cheered in a raspy voice from a table somewhere, "but now it's mine turn to send this scum fleeing back to his master!" And with that, the old woman rose from her seat and began to hurl spells at Snape, using her wand and voice. Children from the room screamed in terror, as seeing one of their scariest teachers fighting their scariest headmaster truly was frightening. Attempting to dodge Professor McDonald's magic balls, Snape squealed in terror before running away and vanishing into the darkness.

"Yayy! You did it, Professor!" All the children cheered, pumping fists in the air and whistling.

"Not yet, my young ones. I may have defeated Snake, for now, but Him-Who-Has-No-Name has gathered his malicious and conniving armies outside our beloved school," the old woman sighed, turning to Harry and his gang. "It's up to you now, boy. You have to be the one to defeat Voldimort."

"What will you and the other professors do?" Harmonica asked worriedly, pulling out her own wand.

"We will do what our orange leader does best. For the protection of the children in this school, we will build a wall…"

 _-one group split up and romantic kiss between Ron and Hermie later-_

Snape reached up shakily, swiping away a strand of dark oily hair from his sweaty brow. _The greenhouse, the greenhouse_ , he chanted in his mind, _that is where we are supposed to meet._

As soon as he reached the dark room, he swept his gaze around the room, but his noseless master was not to be seen. "Dangit," he cursed under his breath, ready to go looking for the dude. But suddenly, a creepily familiar voice sounded behind him.

"My dear, dear Snape… I've been waiting for you."

Snape turned around to see Voldimort, his pale skin glowing eerily in the moonlight. "Myyy master," he said quietly, bowing slightly.

"We've come upon an issue, dearie, and _you_! Are the only one who can fix it."

Snape waited for him to continue, trying to ignore the fact that he sounded like frickin… Rumplestiltskin or somethin.

"I am not the master of the Older Wand, because I am not the one who killed Dumbledore," the slimy guy went on, tapping the twisty wand disinterestedly on his arm. "Snake! Come here!"

Snape obeyed, swallowing a gulp of fear. He had gotten used to being called that name.

"Not you! Did I say Snape? I said Snake!" Voldie spat, and suddenly that snake (who has a name but I just can't remember for anything) jumped, leaped, launched itself, whatever snakes do, at Snape. The scaled beast sank its fangs into Snape's neck before he could do anything, though honestly he should've been able to do something because he's a dang wizard for crying outloud, and set venom running through his veins.

"No _oOOo_ oOooO _OOo_ oo!" Snape cried, crumpling to the ground and leaning against the dirty glass pane of the greenhouse. With a sneer, his master, now ex-master, took off, taking the weird-ass snake with him. Snape sat, silently weeping, running through his utter failure of a life in his last moments. The venom of the snake-that-has-a-name coursed through his body, traveling through the blood and eventually getting close to his heart.

"Professor Snape!" a young voice called quietly, and Snape struggled to turn his head to see the three idiots Ronald, Hermione, and Harry looking at him. Harry crawled up close to him, trying to support him.

"You're going to be okay, Snape! You'll be okay!" he whispered urgently, worry clear in his gaze.

"Why is he so concerned…? Snake was such a jerk to him, and killed Dumbdore, so what's with the new compassion…?" Snape heard Ronald McDonald mutter to Hermione, who nodded her head in agreement.

"Snape! Snape, look at me. Don't leave me," Harry demanded, getting Snape's attention again. The man's vision we getting fuzzy; he knew these were going to be his last moments. _Shoot, better think of something really cliché to throw this kid off and make the audience cry,_ Snape mentally grunted, scanning Harry's face.

"Snape, please stay alive…" Harry cried, his voice barely audible. _Ah, got it!_ Snape thought to himself as an idea came to his head.

"Harry…. you…. haaaaveeee….. your mother's… nooooose….." he croaked, gaining a shocked look from Harry. Smug satisfaction warmed Snape. And with that, the first tendrils venom snaked around Snape's heart, stealing his last moments of life. And he died.

Boom, dead. Like dead dead. Good riddance, I say.

 _-laaater—_

"Holy crap, guys!" Harry shrieked, staring at the penisillin.

"What!? What!" Hermione and Ron responded, rushing into the Principal's Office where Harry stood.

"Snape…. Snape was…." Harry began, struggling with this new information.

"Snake was what?!" Ron urged, shaking Harry's shoulder.

"Snape… he, oh, gosh, he had a crush on my _mum_!"

" _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"_

 _-more, more, and moreee time skips bc I don't remember ANYTHING—_

"Naa-naa-nah-boo-booo, youuu can't caaatch me…." Harry whispered to the foggy air, his voice as quiet as possible. His face was a pale cold and the blood was ice in his veins. He was absolutely terrified. Shaking, the kid-who-lived took the snitch out of his pocket (at least I remember THAT) and opened it, nervously taking the rock out of it. Is it the same rock from the first film? The special one? I don't know. Or even care at this point this is a mess tbh

"Ah ah ah, dearie! I've found you! Are you ready to _die_?" A voice traveled sketchily through the tree branches, causing Harry to squeal like an infant. Suddenly, Voldimort appeared, and before Harry could do anything, his vision went white.

It was like being in an empty space, where there was no time, no sound, no colors, nothing. Everything was as white as Galadriel's robes: bright, pretty, and almost hard to look at.

"Harry Potter," a voice, old and achingly familiar, echoed around Harry. Suddenly Dumbledore was there.

"Am…. am I dead?" Harry inquired, sitting upright. The blinding whiteness wasn't as blinding anymore.

"No. Obviously. The main character of a series can't just die in the end," the old man scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Tris Prior did, at the end of her series," Harry shot back, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, well, everyone hated that, and it was a bad move on Veronica Roth's part so-"

"I thought it was a good ending."

"Well it wasn't. She died pointlessly. Without a point. A dull edge. No point."

A few seconds of tense silence ensued, while Harry stared angrily at the ground and Dumbdore looked at him disappointedly. "Anyways, my son, I have something to show-"

"Rey died, in that new Star Wars movie, and like everyone else with her. They all died at the end of-"  
"Harry, please-"

"And Link, supposedly, at some point he's defeated by Ganon after Ocarina of Time and it kinda sets up a whole new weird timeline, and-"  
"Harry-"

"And Gus died, in the Johnny Green film, so-"

"HARRY POTTER!" Gandalf screamed, shaking the boy by his shoulders. Harry glared angrily up at him. The old man sighed exhasperatedly before continuing. "The point is, your not dead. And I want to show you Voldie's shriveled up, slimy, gross bloody fetus of a body before you go back and fight him. He's under a table over there."

 _-ugggghhhhhh—_

"Ron! Ron the snake oh oh oh nonononononono I fricken hate snakes no pleasea;skjas SNAKE RON KILL IT" Hermione shrieked, clutching onto her boyfriend.

"I'm not going to kill! it that's notnotnot happening I don't kill snakes I DON'T KILL SNAKES MIENIEE!" Ron screeched back, both of them now crawling backwards on the stairs. They sobbed, shutting their eyes as they grasped tightly to each other, embracing their last moments together. The snake that I still can't remember the name of slithered at high speed until it reached them, baring its dripping and bloody fangs.

But, before the monster could deliver the killing bite, its scaly head fell severed from the rest of its body, landing with a thud on the step below Ron and Harmonica.

"Don't worry guys, I gotchu," said a cheery voice, coming from Neville. He was wielding some big sword of some importance.

"Oh, thank you Neville! You saved us…" Hermione cried, trying to quiet her sobs.

Ron nodded his head, trying to pretend like he hadn't just been crying. "Yeah man, thanks. You're a G."

 _-at the end—_

"Take…. that!" Voldie scorned, hurling yet another spell at Harry.

Harry ducked, and grunting with effort, threw a spell back at him. "You'll never win!" the boy shouted at the noseless man, bracing himself for the next attack.

"Ooohhhh really? wATCH THIS!"

Harry watched in horror as his greatest enemy said some magic words and made a ball of some more magic. _This is it, I'm really going to die this time_ , the boy thought, wanting to cry. This was the end.

But, as soon as Voldimort tried to throw the 'die curse' at Harry, it backfired. Somehow. (that's what IMDb said anyways). And so, much to Harry's relief, the guy died. The wizarding world was safe.

Tbh kind of a lame death, I mean like they spent eight films trying to kill him but he killed himself? What? Maybe he meant to though, maybe it was suicide. Somebody get MattPat in here, we need a film theorist.

 _Fin._

 **Well! There we go. Finished! That was actually very difficult, despite being only two short things. I've discovered that I actually remember only about….. 20ish percent of Harry Potter.**

 **My sincerest apologies to anyone who has been extremely angered or upset by this horrid piece of writing hahaha. I'll read the books someday, I promise!**

 **But my friends, that's all. I truly hope you enjoyed and got a good laugh. Ciao!**

 **My dear, dear Dorothy,**

 **I really hope you enjoyed this little gift. I won't say too much here, except that you are a wonderful friend and I can't wait to continue getting to know you better! Thanks for being a fantastic friend and always being there for me! I hope you have the greatest birthday, dearie. See ya later! :D**


End file.
